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resolutions...
i don't have the guts to tell you that you were wrong and that the ppl on the inside were right. i dont have the guts to tell you that the girl on the outs did you wrong- again.
i know i cant tell you now...or this week, but on friday after my last final, we'll talk. if by chance, one morning you're online @ school and you somehow get on AIM and see this or w/e, then fine, but that isn't likely and so this is my way of telling you w/o telling you. well... you assumed they were from you, but they weren't. how else do i tell you? i have to study now, but i took a lot of time to think today and it was bad. i was going through something (not cause of you- only, but other aspects of life) and i had a lot of time to think. i figured one thing: run- in every sense possible. anything that can't hold on for the ride is history i suppose.
i gotta let go of a few things in my life and slowly pick up what i can later... but i have to focus a little on me. like you said, i spread myself too thin. well i'm gathering me for me now. i'm sorry to say. some things are unforgiveable and my actions have prayed on your insecurities as a few of yours have on mine. i hope that friendship stands in the end. aujo.
lose yourself
'if you had one chance to seize everything you ever wanted, seize everything you ever dreamed, would you capture it? or just let it slip...'
furlough
sounds like a nice word, doesn't it? it looks like a nice word... right? well it isn't- it SUCKS.
i guess we'll just have to figure something out again?
...
i'm lost.
last week?
~there are times when a profound thought reveals itself to you, but when your head is too clouded with the unnecessary- you are left dumbfounded. (that's me)
tonight's thoughts...
"sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulder... everyone's leaning on me... sometimes it feels like the world's almost over..."
my world's shot to hell- you sure you wanna lean on me?
wasting my time & yours...
No matter what you are doing- you are wasting time- anyone can argue it.
negative?
NO! I'm NOT! NEGATIVE, am I? lol... I think the only reasons my entries are all so negative is because I only write when I am venting. I don't sit down and stop enjoying life when it is going great, but I do sulk and "express" any sort of anguish when my life feels like it's spiraling down your toilet & mine. I mean, what else is there to do? I normally drop to the bottom and stay there for a little bit before I recuperate enough to get back up- it's my way of dealing with everything.
The more I try to NOT do it, I do... I tell myself to stop bitching- because essentially, that's what it is- bitching, but it really does help me release my "overbearing anger" or "over depressing sadness- I do however, cross the fine line between venting and throwing numerous pity parties for myself, much too often.
me and my monkey
it's crazy how life just flips you over and spanks you in the ass...
then it takes your monkey's ass and spanks it twice as hard...
so wrong...
I am never going to think life is going to get better... because whenever I do... Life proves me wrong...
The Rollercoaster of Life
I have noticed that life is a rollercoaster; it is filled with ups and downs. It would be easier to fathom if only those downs would be slighter and those ups would be higher. Little dips that make your stomach slightly queasy are tolerable. The bigger dips where your stomache just lifts right out of your body- those can be dealt with, but only with prolonged intervals of time from one to the next, in which you may recover from those nauseating all time lows. The Ups and Downs of Life are simply there, existing in each of our worlds as it certainly does in my own- shared. I find that the ones that are hardest to deal with are those that are in a sense "out of my control." For example, if I am at fault for why my day is rollercoasting downward, I will of course feel the accelerating pressures of uncertainty and fear. Yet knowing that I once had control of the situation and that I am at fault for misusing that control that I now do not have; it does compensate for the lack of control I have now procured if I cannot rectify the position I have put myself in immediately. Yet the worst days are when this occurs in multiple cases, where the situation consists of numerous and certainly various foreign entities causing multiple aspects of your life to become out of order due to pure stupidity on their part. It is flustering, frustrating and most definitely fixating. It makes you think. It makes you wonder. It amazes you at how your luck takes such drastic dips on this rollercoaster we call life. And it continues to amaze you when it happens not only once in a month, but twice, thus far. My only solution is to get away from the world, the situation at hand and have some time to yourself. To be alone and to put the incumbency aside, focusing on something good in your life or something extremely relaxing and balancing. And in time, with rational explicated solutions the downs will slowly rise to either a nuetral plateau that life should serve evenly upon or up to a high rise, where you know either another dip awaits you or hopefully a plateau that will allow you to ride without any unnecessary excitement or deep hearted depression. Life simply diegns these high rises and deep dips; it is all relative to the rollercoaster of life.
life
I am relaxed. I am content. I am unpestered and just as I feel my mind freeing itself from all the worries of the world, I get yet another disappointing, but even more so… disillusioning phone call. Only to find that there are more idiots and morons in this world than I can count and that I'll have to deal with them on a day to day basis... the end result? -It further repels me from life.
truth
...trust.love.happiness.goodness.virtue.friendship.greatness.tranquility.beauty... it all simply wanes- 'til there is a lack of...
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